The Peaceful Marriage Fantasy

By Marty Friedman
Do you want a sweet, peaceful marriage? No one could blame you for wanting your marriage to be full of love and easy companionship. Unfortunately, the more you believe in this fantasy of the "perfectly peaceful marriage" the more pain you will experience, because the fantasy runs counter to the cold, hard reality.
I have talked to many men in troubled marriages (or divorces) who were surprised that their conflict-free marriages suddenly blew up in their faces. Upon reflection, we often find a pattern: When their wives brought issues to them, the men blamed and resented them for disturbing their fantasy of the peaceful marriage. The men often say, "Why can't she just leave it alone? Why is she always complaining and looking for trouble?" What these men don't realize is if they listened to the criticisms they would have a lot more peace!
Another consequence of the peaceful marriage fantasy is the wish to not rocking the boat. Men or women may avoid conflict altogether, explaining differences away or leaving the room when arguments or criticisms break out. Belief in the peaceful marriage fantasy causes good people to believe that keeping the peace is more important than having an open and honest exchange with the people they love. When these folks look back at the history of their marriages they usually discover that they resented giving in so much and not getting what they wanted. They also learn that they were sending resentful, passive-aggressive signals to their mates, which helped prevent the serene feelings they were seeking.
Often, women's criticism is a sign that they've bought into the peaceful marriage fantasy. They may over-criticize their husbands in the vain hope that "if only he'd change, then our marriage will be alright". Unfortunately, too much criticism can destroy the possibility of the tranquility they seek, as it creates resentment and anger.
Some couples collude to create the peaceful marriage fantasy. They ignore or smooth over their differences. It's as if they were putting on a show for everyone to see, while they enjoy the fantasy as much as their audiences! They get angry and feel cheated when they finally have to face marital conflicts. They think "that's not the way it's supposed to be! We're supposed to be happy!"
Look, marriage is a messy proposition. Some conflict is inevitable and even healthy to the life of your marriage. When you fight with your spouse in the right way it can allow you to move through troubling issues, generate change and enliven a stale marriage. If you learn to resolve differences productively you will have a much greater chance to stay together. It's not that you want to have constant disagreements; the idea is to clash with integrity, so you can move forward and grow. It takes courage and skill to listen to your mate when your emotions are on fire. You also have to speak your truth openly, with the intention to clarify and work out your differences. It's hard work, but it's much better than trying to live out a fantasy.
Marty Friedman, author of "Straight Talk for Men About Marriage-What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)" taught corporate managers how to create good relationships at work before writing and speaking about men and marriage.
He is regularly interviewed on radio and television, and speaks to organizations about communication, men, relationships and marriage.
Find out more at www.meninmarriage.com (http://www.meninmarriage.com/).

so true

wow, that works in any kind of relationship really. good one!

I agree with Shannon, that's definitely the case for a lot of relationships. Disagreeing on one thing isn't the end of the world to this fantasy harmonious relationship, and it certainly isn't the fault of the person who finally had the balls to say something.

I so dont agree with this. My mother has been married twice. My father her first husband was a drunk. Enough said they split. But my step father. The man I call dad. They have been together for over 20 years. I was jsut a baby when they started dating. They married when I was 12. One time I seen them fight. And if that is what you call a fight then OMG life is full of it every where you go. Cause it was kinda of like a discusion in my eyes. This happened years before they where married. To this day they are happy, they talk, they laugh, they have sruggles financialy they deal as anyone else does. They rarely ever have conflicts about issues that they can not control. They depend on them selves. And turn to eachother in needs. So, ya I do not agree with this at all. I think when your peace and harmony within s met that your love life and relationships flow easily. Why try to change things that can not be changed. WHy dwell in things that only the lord has control of. I mean come on. People spend so much time bickering that they lose time in life. And spend more time being angry. And how in the hel can you enjoy life when you like that most of the time? Can't. I have learned so much rom my mother and father. I dont live my life like they do nor I try to be like them. But I dream one day my mariage will be as strong and meaningful as theirs.

I so dont agree with this. My mother has been married twice. My father her first husband was a drunk. Enough said they split. But my step father. The man I call dad. They have been together for over 20 years. I was jsut a baby when they started dating. They married when I was 12. One time I seen them fight. And if that is what you call a fight then OMG life is full of it every where you go. Cause it was kinda of like a discusion in my eyes. This happened years before they where married. To this day they are happy, they talk, they laugh, they have sruggles financialy they deal as anyone else does. They rarely ever have conflicts about issues that they can not control. They depend on them selves. And turn to eachother in needs. So, ya I do not agree with this at all. I think when your peace and harmony within s met that your love life and relationships flow easily. Why try to change things that can not be changed. WHy dwell in things that only the lord has control of. I mean come on. People spend so much time bickering that they lose time in life. And spend more time being angry. And how in the hel can you enjoy life when you like that most of the time? Can't. I have learned so much rom my mother and father. I dont live my life like they do nor I try to be like them. But I dream one day my mariage will be as strong and meaningful as theirs.

just because you bring up something you feel is not right doesn't mean you have to have a huge fight. fighting is sometimes good for a relationship(the making up). I am sure that your parents fight when your not around, not saying that they dont have a good relationship but they may hide it from you. So, i dont believe any couple never fights and nothing is ever as perfect as it seems, trust and believe.

I think people that don't fight and keep every thing bottled up just to not start confrontation have a worse marriage then us couples that do.
My husband and I fight a lot about really dumb things. But it's better to fight about something at times and let each other know where you stand. Those people that don't are only lying to themselves saying they have this wonderful marriage. Believe me my inlaws are like that.

I think people that don't fight and keep every thing bottled up just to not start confrontation have a worse marriage then us couples that do.
My husband and I fight a lot about really dumb things. But it's better to fight about something at times and let each other know where you stand. Those people that don't are only lying to themselves saying they have this wonderful marriage. Believe me my inlaws are like that.

I totally agree with this!!