I never do this, and I hate this, but I have to let this out. I HATE putting my life out to air in public, but I'm having such a weak moment right now, and I feel like I'm so much pain.

Dh told me yesterday that he finally found a place. He is moving in with a co-worker who is buying a house with his wife and his sister who lives with them, and offered dh a room. He's going to be moving in about 3 weeks.

I thought I had this under control. I thought I had come to terms with it. I thought I was ready, god was I mistaken :sadeyes. I've been crying on and off since yesterday night, and I feel like the pain has all just come back in a huge wave. I just want to tell him not to leave, I want to beg him to just give us one more chance, I want to tell him so many things. But I can't. I know exactly how he feels, I can't force him to love me, I can't force him to want to be with me. Fuck I hate feeling this fucking vulnerable. I want to just be strong, I want to just deal with it and move on. But the more I think about it the more I fall apart. Every time I look around and try to imagine our aparment with all his things gone I lose it. Everytime I think about him not coming home at night ever again, I lose it. Why do I have to love him so fucking much. Why can't I just be angry? Why can't I just build a cold heart about this? god I hate this :no

He keeps telling me how much he cares about me and how much he doesn't want to lose me from his life, he wants to be in my life, but he doesn't want to BE with me. I told him I can't do that. Maybe one day in the future that could happen, but once he leaves I can't just be his friend, it will hurt to much. We can't just have daily chats anymore about work, cars, politics, life, whatever. It will hurt too much to hear his voice knowing he won't be home ever again. I don't know how long it will take to get over him, if I ever do....

I know as soon as he leaves I'll be able to start healing, but I don't want to :tears, I don't want to heal, I want my husband, I want my life back, I don't want to lose my best friend :tears....

I'm sorry girls, I hate being such a whiney little baby....

Don't apologize at all for the way you're feeling. It's totally normal to feel that way. I hope you can start to heal so things will get easier on you.

Oh Renee :tears
I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I know it's hard. God how I know :sadeyes
You are such a strong woman and never knock yourself for having a normal moment like this. I felt the same way when Paul told me he didn't want to be married anymore and didnt love me anymore... I am here if you need to talk or vent and just know that we are all here for you! :hugs (L)

I agree with Tina. :hugehug

You know you're in the right place, sweetie. You've got a lot of people who care about you here and understand where you're coming from. I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone when I say that NO ONE thinks you're weak or whiny. You're dealing with something monumental right now.

Everyone has the right to break down. But as I told someone else in another thread, you choose how long you want to be broken down. It really fucking hurts to go through this. If you WEREN'T crying I'd be more concerned. You can tell yourself how long you'll be sad about it, how long you'll be angry (that sometimes comes later), how long you are willing to let this break you.

You are mourning. Really remember that. Your life is changing because of the loss of a person you love. You're mourning the loss of a life you knew as normal. It takes time and emotion to fully get through that. Please don't beat yourself up for it.

I want to just be strong, I want to just deal with it and move on. But the more I think about it the more I fall apart. Every time I look around and try to imagine our apartment with all his things gone I lose it. Every time I think about him not coming home at night ever again, I lose it. Why do I have to love him so fucking much? Why can't I just be angry? Why can't I just build a cold heart about this?

Crying is not a weakness. It's a coping mechanism. It allows you to express and release feelings of pain which may otherwise cause you to be angry. Angry is not something you want to be. Anger masks hurt and turns you into something you really don't want to be.

Going with your instincts on how to get yourself through this is what will make you stronger. If you skipped this step by repressing your pain, you'd be in a position of weakness for sure. I know you're strong enough to go through this, but crying and feeling like shit about it is all part of the process. You are going to be amazed by your resilience. That's probably not something you care at all about right now, I know, but it was what made me sure I could handle anything when I was going through something similar (which I've already told you about so I'll spare ya the encore).

:hugs (L)

:hugs :hugs :hugs

Do NOT apologize. What can I do to help? I am so sorry babe!!!!!!! :hugehug

lots of :hugs

Thanks for your support ladies, I really appreciate it...

I just want you to know that I have been in your shoes before and it hurts like a mofo. There is no magic cure for the pain :(

My ears are open and my mouth is closed, if you'd like to talk :yes.

you are NOT whining and you are resonably upset and have every right to be!! I am so sorry for what you are going through! I know you are a strong woman and you will get through it...I just wish there were some way we could make things like this easy, but there just isnt. :hugs

:hugehug dont ever feel sorry for the way your feeling!!! im so sorry you are going through this, that has to be really rough!!!

Many thoughts and :pray coming your way. I am so sorry for all that is happening. :hugs

:hugs:hugs

No matter how much you may have felt like you were ok with it divorce is not easy! My ex was not a good husband or a good father to our children and it has been "over" for a long time even though I was trying to holding on out of fear of being alone for awhile. Even KNOWING that he isn't right for me and having accomplish so much without him, really not even having feelings for him anymore, I still know it'll hurt on the day or divorce is fianalized. Its hard to put such a big part of your life in the past. If you need to talk I am here but you WILL make it though this!

I thought I'd come in to give you ladies a little update....

Not a whole lot has happened. I mean with us in particular. A lot of things have happened in 'life' in general, which in turn has caused our situation to kind of come to a standstill so to speak. J has been so stressed with paying of bills and the Naval Reserve and school, that things kind of went to the backburner. The guy he was going to move with flaked out on him, and nothing much happened after that. Then to add more to the plate, he lost his job a little over a week ago, he was laid-off.

I've been focusing mostly on me. I've been working on my school stuff, I've been trying to get back to working out, and just figuring out what I want right now out of life.

In the process of all of this, things at home kind of have gone into a 'normal' state...i know, sounds weird. But I mean, we go about our days and evenings as usual, we talk and laugh, we still do stuff together. We hadn't really talked about 'stuff' for over a month really. Finally we kind of did talk about it last week. I don't remember exactly how it started, but I just spilled a bunch of stuff to him. I told him how I honestly felt about the situation 100%, and how I was feeling cheated because I had a million questions and no answers yet. He says he feels like he needs to move on his own, but doesn't know why, he feels he's not in love with me, but doesn't know why, he doesn't know what being 'in love' really is, but he feels like he's not. He feels this and he feels that, but he doesnt know WHY for ANYTHING. He can't give me any answers, and that really upsets me. I NEED answers. I told him this is WHY I wanted to continue counseling, because I neve got answers. I guess our last therapist really wasn't very good, because she never got to my questions. We talked a lot, but she would give us assignments at the end of the session, but we would never actually go through with them at the next session. I never got my answers....

After our talk, I had to take Nismo to the vet, so I left. Later that evening we decided to go for a walk, and he kind of talked a little. He says he understands why I feel cheated and frustrated, he understands that and feels like maybe he is being unfair to me, because I have all these questions still and he can't give me any answers. So he says "maybe we can give counseling another try with a different counselor". I tried not to let my hopes float to high, and was quick to say "is this what YOU want?" But then realized, it may not be, but this is what I keep saying "I" want. And he is offering me that right now, shouldn't I just take the offer without poking and proding him with "are you sure, I don't wanna push you, are you sure you want to try this? are you sure are you sure are you sure???"

We agreed that we'd wait until this stressful situation with him finding a new job passes, and then I'd find someone else for us to go to.

I desprately need a MAJOR Expert right now. I truly need a love doctor. A doctor that is not so focused on the 'stages of life', but more on 'why we love and what does love mean'. We've tried 2 counselors alread that are all about being in this 'be realistic' state of mind and not really touchy feely, but more like BAM this is how it is. Now I feel like we need to try something different. Someone that can get to the root of this 'love' thing. And to the issue of why he feels like he doesn't know love, but yet somehow knows he doesn't feel it for me.

I will start my research...but I just need some good thoughts. I realize this will be our 3rd try if we do ultimately end up going and if he doesn't decide that he really doesn't want to or something. I just want a happy ending......:sigh

If he is giving you the option to go back to therapy, take it, don't ask questions.
If he is giving this a 3rd try....he trully does care...He doesn't know why, but deep inside he does care.
If he can not remember how to love or if he is in love,,,,remind him. Write him a letter about the beginning. Tell him how you met and the things that you loved about him. Tell him about the "firsts" and how they made you feel. First kiss, first love making session...Tell him about the time that you knew why you fell in love with him in the first place. Do it in a letter so he can contemplate it. It takes men a little while to process this information.. Tell him about times when things got rocky and how you somehow still made it through. Remind him of a time he made you so happy you could die. Remind him of all of those things that made you guys husband and wife. Tell him if you still feel those things. Tell him how the way he looks at you makes you feel. And then ask him specific questions in your letter. Not WHY questions but questions like, do you remember the time when we......and we.....Basically, spark his throughts and recollection of the love you two shared. Maybe the damage is too much to pick up where you left off. But no one said you couldn't start all over. You have grown and matured as people and somewhere along the line you went in two different directions. It is important to remember what it was that made your directions change. Maybe you can find your way back to that turning point if you can realize what it was that changed things in the first place. LOVE is a powerfull thing...It hurts like hell and it breaks hearts but it also heals hearts too. Make sure you tell him there is no pressure, but if you want this to work, girl you have to fight for it. Fight hard. Love doesn't just happen, you don't just find it every day... Fight until you have nothing left, and when you are done, try a little harder. Remember that if you make it through this you can make it through anything. For better or worse and this is your worse. Keep your head up and I'm here if you need to talk .

oh hunny, you and him will be in my thoughts. I really hope you find a counselor who's going to help get your questions answered because you deserve at least that. I really with the two of you the best of luck and that you get your happy ending, because you deserve it. :hugs :hugs (L) :hugs

You're not weak.

I wish you the best...I really pray things will work out in your favor. :hugs

Can I suggest someone? Phil and I went to this guy in La Mesa before and he has been the best counselor we’ve seen! We had seen him for only a month and during that time, our communication improved 100%. It was unfortunate we had to move after a month (when he got out of the Navy).

I’m 95% sure this is the guy:

GILLEN, BARRY F; MFT
(619) 993-8363
4700 Spring St Ste 306
La Mesa , CA 91941

:hugehug

:hugs :hugs :hugs :hugs :hugs :hugs
Im so sorry you are going through this. Its not fair. You are right, you deserve answers but he can't give them to you for some reason.
I can tell he still cares for you but is maybe feeling like you have hit a rough patch in your relationship.
I hope things can work out between the two of you, if not maybe you can move past this hurt and frustration you are feeling. :hugs

I am soooo sorry you are going thru all that. I hope you can find someone to help you with the areas you need help with and that you get your happy ending. Lots of :hugs to you