Shannon
02-23-2008, 05:11 PM
Well, this weekend would have been one year since The Break Up.
I always thought it would be really difficult, even if I was seeing someone else, given that it would have finally signified that an entire year had past. In that I will never be able to look back and say "Last year at this time, we were doing this..." It's now over. New memories have been made over the past year and when I look back to "last year" it will never involve him again.
The relationship shaped my life so dramatically though, that its hard to just forget about it and him. I fell in love and let myself go, to bare myself entirely, for the first time in my life. He was the first person that I completely and utterly trusted. It was terrifying and wonderful. I never knew so much happiness before I met him. That each day I was filled with joy, no matter what was going on, because I knew I had him and I was the luckiest girl in the world. Those moments, those feelings, are something that I'll always treasure.
He taught me how to let go and trust.
He taught me that the pain that would follow wasn't going to be worth going through again.
I won't lie. This past year was extremely difficult for me. I floated through last spring, hurting daily. I don't remember a lot of what was going on, I just breezed through it trying to move from one day to the next. When I started dating again, I just let other men distract me or hurt me, knowing that they were wrong from the start, but not wanting to be alone and hurting because of them was far better than hurting because of him. Each person that walked in and out of my life was just another tool to forget him with. It sounds really melodramatic to say that, but looking back, that's truly all they were. I was still hung up, and I was desperate to stop hurting, to stop crying, to stop remembering how happy we were together.
Certainly things are better now. I have a relatively full life. I'm trying new things, going new places, improving my life both mentally and physically. As an individual I am 100 times better than I was a year ago. I've been given the opportunity to truly embrace who I am, what I want to do for the first time in my life really, to pursue my own goals and dreams. As opposed to dreams that include someone else, or molding my goals or plans around someone elses.
I don't know that my personal development wouldn't have happened had we stayed together and I moved to Philly. Last February I was on the brink of starting a new life as it was - I had quit my second job and was finally free. Had I moved down there, I would have had a new job and more time on my hands to enjoy life and experience so many new things with someone I loved. He's athletic and healthy, so I would have had the time and encouragement to land exactly where I am physically today, sure. It was a good future.
But since that wasn't the case, and I'm doing things for myself, it's a good feeling. I need a measure of independence, to love myself even more than before, and to know that I'm strong enough to be on my own and make a life for myself. I guess that's important to have before you include someone else in your life.
A bitter taste has been left in my mouth though. If I had walls around my heart before, now they're taller, thicker and stronger than ever. If I trust issues before, I have now known the ultimate betrayal. My dreams have changed as a result, my expectations of myself have changed and my expectations of others have declined.
Am I sad still? Yes. Am I angry? I've never really been angry. Am I confused still? I was never given resolution, so yes, I'm not closer to understanding what happened now than I was a year ago. Am I able to put it behind me? To some degree, yes, but the moments are etched in my heart and mind. There are times when I think about it, him, us...and long for another chance. Or if not another chance, just to sit down and have him explain what truly happened. I guess what hurt me the most was that he could never tell me the truth. That he lied to me in the end - and THAT was the betrayal of trust that is so difficult to overcome.
I've grown up a lot over the past year. I understand the saying "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" as I am stronger than ever now. I guess I just don't know that I really needed to grow up. Why couldn't my Prince Charming simply love me and live happily ever after with me? What is so wrong with a fairy tale? Why does it have to be any more complicated than that?
Well, I don't believe in fairy tales any more, even if he made me believe for a short time. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. But somedays I just wish that I'd never known so much love and happiness, that I'd skipped that part, because now I actually know what I'm missing. That's a hard pill to swallow.
I always thought it would be really difficult, even if I was seeing someone else, given that it would have finally signified that an entire year had past. In that I will never be able to look back and say "Last year at this time, we were doing this..." It's now over. New memories have been made over the past year and when I look back to "last year" it will never involve him again.
The relationship shaped my life so dramatically though, that its hard to just forget about it and him. I fell in love and let myself go, to bare myself entirely, for the first time in my life. He was the first person that I completely and utterly trusted. It was terrifying and wonderful. I never knew so much happiness before I met him. That each day I was filled with joy, no matter what was going on, because I knew I had him and I was the luckiest girl in the world. Those moments, those feelings, are something that I'll always treasure.
He taught me how to let go and trust.
He taught me that the pain that would follow wasn't going to be worth going through again.
I won't lie. This past year was extremely difficult for me. I floated through last spring, hurting daily. I don't remember a lot of what was going on, I just breezed through it trying to move from one day to the next. When I started dating again, I just let other men distract me or hurt me, knowing that they were wrong from the start, but not wanting to be alone and hurting because of them was far better than hurting because of him. Each person that walked in and out of my life was just another tool to forget him with. It sounds really melodramatic to say that, but looking back, that's truly all they were. I was still hung up, and I was desperate to stop hurting, to stop crying, to stop remembering how happy we were together.
Certainly things are better now. I have a relatively full life. I'm trying new things, going new places, improving my life both mentally and physically. As an individual I am 100 times better than I was a year ago. I've been given the opportunity to truly embrace who I am, what I want to do for the first time in my life really, to pursue my own goals and dreams. As opposed to dreams that include someone else, or molding my goals or plans around someone elses.
I don't know that my personal development wouldn't have happened had we stayed together and I moved to Philly. Last February I was on the brink of starting a new life as it was - I had quit my second job and was finally free. Had I moved down there, I would have had a new job and more time on my hands to enjoy life and experience so many new things with someone I loved. He's athletic and healthy, so I would have had the time and encouragement to land exactly where I am physically today, sure. It was a good future.
But since that wasn't the case, and I'm doing things for myself, it's a good feeling. I need a measure of independence, to love myself even more than before, and to know that I'm strong enough to be on my own and make a life for myself. I guess that's important to have before you include someone else in your life.
A bitter taste has been left in my mouth though. If I had walls around my heart before, now they're taller, thicker and stronger than ever. If I trust issues before, I have now known the ultimate betrayal. My dreams have changed as a result, my expectations of myself have changed and my expectations of others have declined.
Am I sad still? Yes. Am I angry? I've never really been angry. Am I confused still? I was never given resolution, so yes, I'm not closer to understanding what happened now than I was a year ago. Am I able to put it behind me? To some degree, yes, but the moments are etched in my heart and mind. There are times when I think about it, him, us...and long for another chance. Or if not another chance, just to sit down and have him explain what truly happened. I guess what hurt me the most was that he could never tell me the truth. That he lied to me in the end - and THAT was the betrayal of trust that is so difficult to overcome.
I've grown up a lot over the past year. I understand the saying "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" as I am stronger than ever now. I guess I just don't know that I really needed to grow up. Why couldn't my Prince Charming simply love me and live happily ever after with me? What is so wrong with a fairy tale? Why does it have to be any more complicated than that?
Well, I don't believe in fairy tales any more, even if he made me believe for a short time. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. But somedays I just wish that I'd never known so much love and happiness, that I'd skipped that part, because now I actually know what I'm missing. That's a hard pill to swallow.