SDRenee
02-27-2008, 12:39 AM
There have been things on my mind for the past few weeks, feelings that I feel like I needed to talk to him more about, but didn't want to make the situation worse. I felt like I still had things and questions I wanted to ask him, and I wanted to do it before he left for good, but I wasn't sure if I should or not. But finally I decided, what do I have to lose? I'll prepare myself for the answer I'm pretty sure I already know, but at leasts I'll get to say my peace.
So I wasn't really sure when the right time was for me to really talk to him and ask him the questions I wanted and really go over what was going through my mind. I was thinking maybe I should wait until another couple of weeks, but I wasn't sure. Well today I decided to just do it. When he came home before he went to class, I told him I wanted to talk to him about some things that were going through my mind and some things I wanted to ask him. I told him I knew he had a test today so we can hold off until tomorrow or whatever if he wanted. he said no, lets just talk about this now that you've mentioned it.
So I had written down like 2 pages worth of stuff I wanted to say, so I told him I might cry (he hates to see me cry so I had to warn him, lol), but to just listen to me, not interrupt me and then answer when I was all done. I talked to him about all the things I think about. About our entire relationship for the past 7 1/2 years. When we first met how we were both only 22 and just really starting life, I was finishing college, he had just gotten out of bootcamp. I told him how I felt we had grown up so much together and matured together. I reminded of all the times we've had, good AND bad, and about how we've been able to get through everything together. We've always been able to work through everything and come out of the other end stronger. How I felt like we were such a great team, we've been able to accomplish a lot of things together, and how we have always been there for each other. How I felt like even if things were really crappy, I always felt it was going to be ok because we had each other. I told him how I truly felt deep down in my heart like he was my best friend. I can't do with anyone else in this world the things I do with him. We have so many memories and have done so much together. We have such wonderful times and we can always have fun and we can talk about ANYTHING. We can argue about stuff, but still be cool because in the end we know we each expressed our opinions. We can be retards in front of each other, and its ok because we never judge each other, we know we are just being ourselves. I told him how I felt like WE were just so unfinished. I felt like we still have so much to accomplish together. I feel like there is still so much that we can work on to make US work, and like I feel like we just didn't exhaust all the possiblities. I feel like WE are not done, this separation doesn't feel right to me. If I truly felt like it was over, this wouldn't be as devastating as it has been, because I feel like we are not done yet.
Then I asked him....If you look deep down in your heart, do you think you have ANY love left for me in there? And I need to know, can you tell me, with 100% certainty that you don't want to stay longer and give us one more chance, and that you really feel this is the right thing to do?
His answer really surprised me.
Sidetrack here.....this past week and a half I have felt him weird. I feel his looks towards me differently, his extra effort to find a way to hug me or touch me in some way felt different. He gave me a small Valentine's day gift the night Before Vday and gave me a little bear that said I love you on it. I tried to make nothing of it, and saw it as just a nice gesture. When I asked him about it and the words on the bear, he said "it is what it is", and I left it at that. But these little things have stuck in my mind, and are what made me feel like I really needed to ask him these things before he was gone for good.
Back to my questions....He told me "of course I still have some love for you, if I didn't I would have been gone a long time ago and not looked back." then he told me that no, he was not 100% sure this was the right thing. He said that in fact, last week, the week I'm talking about above, he actually contemplated the idea of maybe trying to make it work. He told me he has thought at times about how he doesn't want to leave. He says that he thinks about me, and how he is not sure if he would ever be able to find someone like me. That he knows it would take many years for him to ever be able to get to the level that he is with me, with another woman. How he doesn't know if he would ever be able to find someone that he trusts as much as he does me. But that he still feels confused, because one side of him tells him that he should just go and move forward, but the other tells him that he should stay and just work harder at it. He said that if he did decide to stay, he would still want to continue marriage counseling, but with a different therapist, because he wasn't sure the first one really helped us much at all. He feels he needs more direction and he doesn't think we can do it just on our own. We talked about a lot more things, like issues we've had in the past, and how a lot of times we argued, swept them under the rug, but never really resolved them, and just had a long conversation. then we kind of left it at that. I told him I didn't need a direct answer from him today. I told him I didn't want him to feel cornered, and to just really think about what I said and what he said, and to let me know what he decides he wants to do. I'll probably give him at least a week to think about stuff, and I'll bring it up again if he doesn't and see if he thinks he wants to try and give it one more try.
So that is where we are at right now. he went to class to take his test and I'm here hopelessly trying to do homework, but having a hard time. I'm still in limbo, but I'm really glad I said what I had to say. I'm trying not to get my hopes up high, but I guess this is better than nothing at this point....:neutral
So I wasn't really sure when the right time was for me to really talk to him and ask him the questions I wanted and really go over what was going through my mind. I was thinking maybe I should wait until another couple of weeks, but I wasn't sure. Well today I decided to just do it. When he came home before he went to class, I told him I wanted to talk to him about some things that were going through my mind and some things I wanted to ask him. I told him I knew he had a test today so we can hold off until tomorrow or whatever if he wanted. he said no, lets just talk about this now that you've mentioned it.
So I had written down like 2 pages worth of stuff I wanted to say, so I told him I might cry (he hates to see me cry so I had to warn him, lol), but to just listen to me, not interrupt me and then answer when I was all done. I talked to him about all the things I think about. About our entire relationship for the past 7 1/2 years. When we first met how we were both only 22 and just really starting life, I was finishing college, he had just gotten out of bootcamp. I told him how I felt we had grown up so much together and matured together. I reminded of all the times we've had, good AND bad, and about how we've been able to get through everything together. We've always been able to work through everything and come out of the other end stronger. How I felt like we were such a great team, we've been able to accomplish a lot of things together, and how we have always been there for each other. How I felt like even if things were really crappy, I always felt it was going to be ok because we had each other. I told him how I truly felt deep down in my heart like he was my best friend. I can't do with anyone else in this world the things I do with him. We have so many memories and have done so much together. We have such wonderful times and we can always have fun and we can talk about ANYTHING. We can argue about stuff, but still be cool because in the end we know we each expressed our opinions. We can be retards in front of each other, and its ok because we never judge each other, we know we are just being ourselves. I told him how I felt like WE were just so unfinished. I felt like we still have so much to accomplish together. I feel like there is still so much that we can work on to make US work, and like I feel like we just didn't exhaust all the possiblities. I feel like WE are not done, this separation doesn't feel right to me. If I truly felt like it was over, this wouldn't be as devastating as it has been, because I feel like we are not done yet.
Then I asked him....If you look deep down in your heart, do you think you have ANY love left for me in there? And I need to know, can you tell me, with 100% certainty that you don't want to stay longer and give us one more chance, and that you really feel this is the right thing to do?
His answer really surprised me.
Sidetrack here.....this past week and a half I have felt him weird. I feel his looks towards me differently, his extra effort to find a way to hug me or touch me in some way felt different. He gave me a small Valentine's day gift the night Before Vday and gave me a little bear that said I love you on it. I tried to make nothing of it, and saw it as just a nice gesture. When I asked him about it and the words on the bear, he said "it is what it is", and I left it at that. But these little things have stuck in my mind, and are what made me feel like I really needed to ask him these things before he was gone for good.
Back to my questions....He told me "of course I still have some love for you, if I didn't I would have been gone a long time ago and not looked back." then he told me that no, he was not 100% sure this was the right thing. He said that in fact, last week, the week I'm talking about above, he actually contemplated the idea of maybe trying to make it work. He told me he has thought at times about how he doesn't want to leave. He says that he thinks about me, and how he is not sure if he would ever be able to find someone like me. That he knows it would take many years for him to ever be able to get to the level that he is with me, with another woman. How he doesn't know if he would ever be able to find someone that he trusts as much as he does me. But that he still feels confused, because one side of him tells him that he should just go and move forward, but the other tells him that he should stay and just work harder at it. He said that if he did decide to stay, he would still want to continue marriage counseling, but with a different therapist, because he wasn't sure the first one really helped us much at all. He feels he needs more direction and he doesn't think we can do it just on our own. We talked about a lot more things, like issues we've had in the past, and how a lot of times we argued, swept them under the rug, but never really resolved them, and just had a long conversation. then we kind of left it at that. I told him I didn't need a direct answer from him today. I told him I didn't want him to feel cornered, and to just really think about what I said and what he said, and to let me know what he decides he wants to do. I'll probably give him at least a week to think about stuff, and I'll bring it up again if he doesn't and see if he thinks he wants to try and give it one more try.
So that is where we are at right now. he went to class to take his test and I'm here hopelessly trying to do homework, but having a hard time. I'm still in limbo, but I'm really glad I said what I had to say. I'm trying not to get my hopes up high, but I guess this is better than nothing at this point....:neutral